you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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