I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
