You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
