we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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