Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
