my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
