I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
