Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
