Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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