You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I don't deserve a penis
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
