Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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