well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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