If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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