yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
