I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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