My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
