So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
