turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
