either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
