The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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