I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
