He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
