dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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