so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
