with your own penis?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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