i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
