I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize