just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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