All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
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