I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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