I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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