the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
