I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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