Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
