I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
