Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
