Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Every concussion has its silver lining
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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