I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
