i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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