Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
