My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
...so i touched it.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
