Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
The uberlube is also flammable
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
