we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
