I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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