Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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