I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
