If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
