dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
