I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
What a dumb baby whore.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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