So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
