Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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