i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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