I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
