I can text with my tongue
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
